Sunday, 22 June 2008

• A Pastor's Wife????

  I don't ever pretend to understand the life of a Pastor or even so, one of his wife and family.  I am not uber-involved in my local church... too much past pain and hurt in the local church has really scared me away from traditional "service" and servitude.  You could even go so far as to say that "I have issues" regarding THE CHURCH.  Yep, and they keep growing.  I am for the first time a member of a congregation, having gone through Membership Classes, had the ceremony, got the certificate... even a cup for my morning coffee with the picture of my (building) church on the outside so I guess I can contemplate my salvation whilst I awake.  *heavy sigh*

  I WANT to be involved.  I want to be in ministry.  Somehow I prefer to be in something pre-organized, already structured and running well and smoothly. I don't really want to have to roll up my own sleeves and get myself THAT dirty because I know the blood, the sweat and tears of it all and I know the agony of thankless work for people who don't want it or can't recognize that it really isn't me doing it, but God who sent and I simply just obeyed.

  Well, I obeyed again and it got me another world of tears.  For two months I've been listening to the soft, still voice of the Holy Spirit urging me to call my pastor's wife.  She has been in some kind of hell, torment, pain, anguish... who knows?  But I see it.  I don't know why I see, I just know I do.  I know I've been ignoring this voice... that is until we got the letter in the mail.  The letter stated that their marriage was ending, they were separating and divorcing. He was to remain in the pulpit and continue his duties as our pastor.  I cried bitter tears when I heard the news.  Mind you, I'm already NOT involved. I'm as NOT involved as a person can get. Why do I even care.  I do though. I care a lot.

  So, I wrote her an e-mail. I apologized for waiting and for ignoring God.  I asked her to write, to call, let me take her to lunch. I offered my ears, my hands, my arms, my shoulders and my heart. I offered my home and my time. I offered myself.  I didn't think she'd respond. I was wrong.  I wanted to get involved in my local church... now I am.  I'm involved in a way that is startling.  We spent an hour weeping on the phone together. She does remember "vividly" she said.  She said I was sent by God. I know I was, but didn't think it was visible.  Doesn't matter really.

  I didn't know what to do.  So we prayed, my husband I... for she and her husband.  We have committed ourselves now to continue in this church, to pray for my pastor, to comfort his wife.  There are sides to every story.  Maybe this is theirs.  I don't know. All I know is, I wanted to be involved and now that I am I have no idea what to do or how to do it. I'm on GRACE right now, it's all I have.  I've prayed for wisdom and for strength.  She told me I was the ONLY ONE in our entire church who reached out to her. How sad.  But then God also revealed to me I'm the only one of my kind in that church. Again, how sad.

  At this point, I've vowed to be objective. God has only told me to be there for this woman.  Not to take sides, form opinions, tell secrets or stage confrontations. I'm not leaving my church (yet) and I'm not writing letters. It does seem that she was asked to leave the marriage... and being a woman who, I myself was in that very circumstance (minus the pastor part) I have to question whether or not this is really happening as she says. I mean, I believe her for the sheer fact that God called me personally to minister to this woman by speaking directly to me and allowing me to see things going on that she later validated in our long conversation.  Hunches stopped being hunches and instead became confirmations.  *shakes head* Again, I don't know, only what God reveals and my ears hear and my eyes see.  There is so much to this... layers upon layers.  I don't believe it's my job to sift. I believe my job is only to be.

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